Monday, December 29, 2008

Bear Down

In true Chicago style the Chicago Bears sold their playoff bid to the highest bidder. That’s the only way to explain their terribleness. They threw the game instead of finding a QB who could throw the ball. I heard a rumor that Lovie Smith being the swell down home Texas boy that he is, decided to give a Christmas present to the entire state of Texas, and giving Philadelphia a bonus as well.

There is no way that with the talent the Bears team has they could suck so hard at defense. Their defensive coordinator Shithead “Bob” Babich is by all accounts, a well trained, and well qualified professional. So one would have to assume using logic, that it wasn’t his failures that lead to the Bears demise, there must be something dark and deep that we are not seeing I mean the man can’t be so incompetent, so brain dead, so fucking demented that he caused our team such pain. It simply can’t be his fault. Also a man of such football brilliance as Lovie Smith wouldn’t stand by such as shit stain in our orange and blue boxers as this Babich appears to be, would he?

It came to me in a thick strong fog of “skittles” pot while downing chili at my buddies’ house. Being your humble journalist I decided to follow my nose and take another puff before following my lead. I made a few calls to the dark world you luckily know nothing of. A bookie named “Chick” told me about a strange east coast fellow with a stupid hillbilly accent snooping around at the local watering hole.

That’s all I needed to hear so I finished my chili, smoked some more drugs, and flagged a cab to Belmont where I caught the 77 up toward my spot. My homeless friend “Pete” who often works as my Dr. Watson when the reporter in me turns into a detective caught my eye, and we soon were smoking one of his joints bitching about the Bears trying to figure out what the hell went wrong yelling over a loud Bob Seager tune.

After a few stiff drinks of Jack and diet we met up with “Chick”. He told me about how the Bears threw most of their games this year to pay off a debt to the Russians. It seems Shithead Babich got into some trouble buying large anal plugs from a seedy Russian mail order sex shop. According to my source Shithead is into some kinky things. Lovie being a man of principle and open to all kinds accepted his friend and figured the city wouldn’t mind, and he could blame it all on Benson.

I’m starting to understand Cubs fans.

We’ll get’em next year as long as Shithead is gone or stays away from the Russians.


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