Monday, January 3, 2011

Seeking out a Shrink..aka .Shrink Wrapped...aka Meat and More Meat...aka Can't Seem To Finish

Cold grey skies,
Lonely fat man --
Warm on whiskey

I have so much to say yet nothing comes out.

I want to write something funny but I don’t feel much like laughing.  I try to write sad but all I get is pathetic self loathing.   I’m in trouble, and I know it. 

So today I have health insurance for the first time in a few years which means I finally get to go to a doctor and have all the issues that have been worrying me for the last few years checked out.  Now I know what it feels like to be rich, Canadian, or responsible.

I tried to go to a therapist about a year ago after my grandmother died when I realized my family heritage is all but dried up, and I really am alone in this world.  When I was a child my mother used to tell me all the time that we had nothing, and if I ever got into trouble she would give me up to foster care.  Whenever I misbehaved she would drive me to the local orphanage and tell me this is where I will end up the rest of my life before finally settling into prison.  It forced me to grow up fast, as I knew I never had a safety net or anybody to bail me out if I got into trouble.   But scared to death of falling is no way to live.

Anyway I went to this lady and she told me, more or less, that I’m too fucked up to fix.  Talk about a depressing life.  I’ve never really given much creditability to the mental health industry and this was close to a nail in the coffin for me.   But I realize there is good and bad in every profession and to be fair I didn’t pick her she was assigned to me through a program at work. 

So today with health insurance I went searching for a therapist that I might connect to.  It’s a fun and interesting life exercise I recommend everybody to par take in at least once in your life even if you don’t need therapy.  One website had pictures and I found myself judging possible shrinks based on looks.  I could never talk to that guy if he still has that stupid beard.  Jesus, her eyes are funky and I that would be too distracting.   That last name is Polish and I don’t know about that.

Vanity has never been a shortcoming for me even when just about everything else is.  I can’t move forward in anything I do in this world.  School, Careers, relationships, and even blogging (you’ll see).  I’m great at starting, but I guess I’m afraid take that next step.  When you live your life without a safety net you think very little is possible and you take as much comfort as you can in the basics that you have.  It’s a terrible way to live and one I’m drastically trying to change.

Getting my health in order both physical and mental is step one.  My New Year’s resolution this year is to return to the Akins diet and take a good chuck of my gut out.  I tried this diet a few years ago and it worked for me and I’m excited to get back to trying to finally overcome this battle with my weight.   I know I’ll lose.  I always do, as I’m food addict and for Christ sake I’m pissed we don’t get the same sympathy as all the other addicts and I’m getting pissed about that! 

I’m easily addicted to anything that makes me feel good, but food has always been the ultimate.   It’s cheap, its legal, and it’s easy to obtain anytime day or night.  It’s a very real and tough battle.  A few nights ago I was so depressed I was sick and my hands were shaking and I knew exactly what I needed.  So I pulled to my friendly drive thru dealer and ordered up a quarter pounder with cheese, fries, and a coke.  I knew what I was doing and I couldn’t stop myself if I wanted to.

I cried when I bite into the burger as a wave of pure bliss just took all my pain away.  I cried because I knew how broken that really makes me.  I’ve done hard drugs, gone through withdrawals and found comfort in finding another fix.  This was the exact same feeling and yet it was nothing more than a cheeseburger.  There is a need for that comfort hardwired in my head and it’s scary to me as everyday my body hurts more and more crying for me to take care of it.

So like millions of other Americans I will start my diet and do the best I can for as long as I can.  I’ll keep you updated.   Hey the murder rate in Chicago is the lowest it’s been in like forty years!!  Thought I’d leave you with some good news.

Peace and Love,

AFL 2011

No comments: